Many Changes

Dear God; where to begin. So much has been happening since I wrote here. It has been filling my days, thoughts mostly, that I haven't had the head space to reflect and write here. My son hated school once again, so after two weeks I/we took him out, and leap-frogged right over into the world of un-schooling. I think that's where we'll stay, for now anyway.
I so wanted that time to myself, after all these years of little ones with me all of the time; but dammit I couldn't do it to him. School would ruin this kid. Maybe this will change in the future - hard to say.
And then my band blew up in a rather spectacular explosion. Two men, with many years of friendship between them, now fractured. This has taken weeks and weeks and weeks to sort out: was the whole band over for good? Just one of them leaving? Did I even personally want to continue on? I'm still sorting it out to be honest.
I have much to sort out. In the house, and in my head. The house is a reflection of my state of mind. Dear God.

From Georgia Nicols:

Weekly Horoscope: Sunday, August 22, 2010

All Signs

There's an interesting pattern in the sky right now. (I'm not referring to the "Cardinal climax" between Saturn, Pluto and Uranus.) In the next month, the Sun will be opposite Jupiter and Uranus. This means it's a time of culmination for many of us. It also represents a "breaking free" energy running through our lives. But hey - this can also bring sudden good fortune! Because many possibilities exist -- it's important to define what you really want. It's time to go for the brass ring! Don't get hung up on whether it is actually attainable. (Sounds weird, I know.) Once you define what you want -- life will scale your dream back to the parameters of your reality. Oh yes. It's that "get real" moment. "Wake up and smell the coffee!" (I hate smelling the coffee.)

-Okay, so here is another stumbling block for me when it comes to writing things down. I've read enough testimonials about defining what your goals are to believe that it helps to bring it into focus, and reality. What was that quote from Goethe? I don't have it exactly but it is something like "Once you decide, the universe conspires to help you." And yet, I feel somehow shy about writing down what I would want if I could have anything. Why do I think I'll be embarrassed about it later? The first answer I have to that is that I think the goals/desires will appear childish. Appear childish, or are they indeed childish because they haven't been properly defined? What is my reluctance in shining a light on this area of my life? Time to think on this. And try writing a few down, to see how they actually look.

The Earth started 6,000 years ago. Uh-huh.

Back to my disbelief that I know a walking talking adult who believes this utter nonsense. I have to rant about it here: I realize now that I can't freely express myself on Face Book, and I'm not even sure about Twitter. Here, well, no one is looking (so far anyway, and I'm happy about that).
Religion, organized religion, all of them, are corrupt. It happens to every organized effort by mankind - politics, law, etc. It's just human nature. I don't feel completely negative about it - and I don't see us as complete failures. We're just not, well, complete.
I have to deal with this person for years to come, potentially. I have to decide now how I'm going to do this. How much do I keep my mouth shut? Why am I perceived as 'trampling on her beliefs' if I challenge this assertion? Here's a quote which resonates with me:
"I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.' - Edith Sitwell
Yes, Edith. Yes.

Monday, June 14th, 2010
This past week I discovered that I know someone who actually believes Creationism. When did that ridiculous story become part and parcel of deeply held religious beliefs?
More on this later. . .

Freaked Out

I'm freaked out about health care in the U.S.A. When I see, read, or hear people ranting and raving against health care for all, I'm seriously frightened by them. I just want to say "calm down, don't fear this" but of course they would go even crazier. It's times like these that I feel clearly the cultural difference - I'm in a foreign country. I've had my struggles with this through the years. Then periods of calm. This time of chaos is the first time I have such deep feelings about it that I had to go from being fully engaged in the events and process, to complete disconnection, because I was just too upset. It means too much. It means everything for this nation. And it may mean everything for my family. How can it be that we could be bankrupted by illness? How has the glorious USA painted itself into this corner? It's so seriously fucked up.
If it can't be remedied we will have to consider moving. From the home and life that has been the only one Kurt has ever known. Impossibly hard for him.
The Bill passed last night, but I don't feel that I can celebrate yet.
Yep. I'm freaked out.

Can I get a side-order of balance?

There is entirely too much on my plate. More than I can manage, every day. The thing is, I don't function on a high level, or have a high level of output- however you want to look at it.
I feel overwhelmed, and my dream vacation has now become some sort of "silence retreat" where one is required to get quiet, go within, and slow down. Yes, even though I can't get a lot done in a day, I crave a break from it all. Mommy needs a time out. I always have, for my equilibrium. And I don't get it now, with two young children. sometimes I stay up rediculous-ly late just to have quiet moments to myself. But then I'm too tired to process anything - so it's just lost sleep. But I do it anyway.
I shouldn't be sitting here now, so I won't any longer.